BUILD A BENCH, NOT A CITY.

For me, the Kingdom of God is when I am washing the dishes and Philip sneaks up to give me a hug, or when I watch my Grandpa strum his air guitar and “sing” how great thou art, or when a group of girls gather for dinner and share wisdom and grace over their life situations.

There are many moments though when I feel like I have missed the Kingdom of God. In this fast-moving world, I get caught up in what I think my life should look like. We all have our ways of thinking that our lives should be a certain way by a certain age. Growing up, I just knew that I would be married, have a job, and have at least two kids by the time I was 30. I am now 31 and have everything except the kids. I begin to look around and realize that my life is not how I pictured it at all. I can recall many things, other than fertility, that have not gone as planned. This sends me to the place of feeling small. Like I am not good enough to carry the responsibility of being someone’s mother.

We all at times feel insignificant. In comparison to other things in life, we are the least important. But what I am realizing is that “small” doesn’t have to mean that we are lesser than. It doesn’t have to mean feeling rejected, disrespected, or that someone has belittled us.

We may also feel small when we stand beside the ocean, look into the moonless night sky, or drive towards the mountains. These are the moments that we can also find the Kingdom of God. It’s a comfort that reminds us that we are not in control. In these moments, we are invited to breathe deep. We are small enough in these moments to let go and be loved, to experience once again the with-ness of God. This kind of small carries wonder, gratitude, and peace. This kind of small leads to worship.

I am finding that the more I switch from the “lesser than” small mindset to the “God is in control” small mindset, the more I find the Kingdom of God. I am reminded of the story of Cain and Abel. Cain went out from the Lord because of his jealousy (smallness). From his own idea of home and security, he entered the land of Nod where he began to build a city. He had refused to consider his small place on Earth and missed the Kingdom of God. He had a deep desire for eternity and security.

If we are honest, we all have been like Cain. At some point in our lives, we have gone out on our own and begin to create a blueprint of what we want. Maybe in our homes, our jobs, our families, our worship leading, etc. Our city may have had flashy lights to attract a move of God. It may have had name brand prayers to get his attention. The realness of city building is that it keeps our hands moving, souls occupied, and hearts distracted. City building helps forget what our souls most long for. I am super guilty of building and becoming Mayor in many cities.

Since before COVID, but especially in the middle of COVID, God has been challenging me to build a bench instead of a city. When I feel small, He has asked me to build a bench and sit. A city is big and bright, loud and fast, important. A bench is small, quiet, and still with only enough room for a few. He is challenging me to allow the lights to go out in the city and see what I find above, around, and within myself.