You know… it's not just in the victory that we see God's faithfulness. As a matter of fact, more times than not, I've witnessed God's faithfulness BEFORE the victory. The mere fact of being victorious is not the only thing that makes God a good God. 

We know that He is powerful. We know that He conquers all things. We know that He can do the impossible. But... He also wants us to know that when things don't look like we will be victorious, He is still with us. He is still working. He is still in control. He loves us. He knows best. He moves only when He wants to move.

We get so caught up in what our lives look like and what we think they should be. It was somewhere between, "God this is not what You said" and, "God I will worship You anyways" when I decided that my plan was not and never will be the best plan. In the middle of my frustration, God was there. In the midst of all my questions, God was gentle. In the middle of my heartbreak, God loved me to the core. He heard it all. He felt it all. He didn't leave…not even for a second.

I am living proof that God is a God of the big but He is also a God of the small. For years, I have been begging God to bless my family with the "big." After many doctor visits, conversations, and research, I felt the weight of what I was asking Him to do. And honestly, I felt like my prayers would never be answered. Turns out.. I was focused on the WRONG things all along. So here's what happened:

I was expecting, in fact, demanding God to do the miraculous but wasn't trusting Him with the small parts of me; my faith, my character, my relationships, my health. I wasn't taking the time to pause, lean in, and see what He was saying or what He wanted for my family. I was telling God ALOT but wasn't asking Him anything. Prayer sessions were really just venting sessions and although I do think God appreciates our honesty, we are truly mistaken when we think we can cover all of our complaints with an "amen" and go on as if we have nothing to change in our daily lives.

I began creating a routine that started and ended in prayer and worship each day. In a matter of days, I began to crave the presence and wisdom of the Lord. The more I received, the more I had to have. With each prayer of honesty, and making time for the Holy Spirit to speak, there came a wash of mercy, grace, love, joy, and strength. It became clear, really quickly, as to what I had to change in my life; emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. 

Emotionally, I had to let go. I had to become okay with not being okay. I had to sit and feel the weight of goodbye. Now, I can respond and not react. Now, I can listen without the need to be understood. Now, I am more available and invested in my friendships, marriage, and most importantly, my walk with Christ. 
Mentally, I had to replace unhealthy thought processes with the truth of God. Now, I can (mostly) process without a spiral. Now, I am hungry for the living Word of God.
Physically, I had to treat myself with the love and respect that, my temple of a body, God deserves. Now, I'm not tired (all the time). Now, I am operating in self-control and fueling or preparing my body to create and host life.
Spiritually, I had to devote the deepest parts of me, the unseen things, to the Father. Now, I can discern better. Now, I see the Father, the Son, and the Spirit in many parts of my "boring and simple" day. Now, I can pray and demons flee.

Did it happen all at once? I don't know. Was it this big miraculous, loud, and memorable moment in the altar with several other believers laying hands on me? No, no that I can say for certain. Well then how do I know?

A year ago, we stopped taking fertility medications. We had gotten to the point where our next steps were IUI or IVF. Doctors had confirmed that I did have eggs, but I was not ovulating (regularly). On medication, I ovulated but not with enough hormones to "do the trick." We were (especially me) tired. We needed a break. We stopped all medications.

FAST FORWARD--Four months ago, I felt like the Lord was telling me to start tracking my ovulation. At first, I thought I must have heard wrong because of everything we had already been through...like, why track it if it's not happening?! 

But.. I had made changes and grew in the small so, I researched ovulation tracking, put all of the items I needed in my Amazon cart, and... didn't purchase them. A few days later, a friend of mine was taking our Christmas photos and we talked about fertility (she has a miraculous story). In our conversation, she mentioned that she had something she wanted to give to me. I KID YOU NOT-- she came out of her house with the same exact box of ovulation sticks that were just chilling in my Amazon cart. Coincidence? I don’t think so. I serve a God of the small. So, with my mind somewhat already blown, I went home that night, took the test, and low and behold… I WAS OVULATING… the biggest, darkest, double line you ever did see!

Yes.. I know. I said that was 4 months ago. And, no, I’m not pregnant yet. That’s okay with me. I AM OKAY. And here’s why: GOD HAS SHOWN UP FOR ME AND HE HEALED MY BODY. AND IF THAT’S ALL HE EVER DOES FOR ME, IT’S ENOUGH.. If I never become a mother, if I never get what I’ve (now) been asking for… I WILL BE OKAY. 

My life is not being lived to just be a mom. That would be a benefit..an extra. This life is not being lived to be blessed by God. Those things that He freely gives, are the extras. This life, your life, is lived to bless God himself. No matter what I have or don’t have. No matter what it does or does not look like, I am called, we are called, to his eternal glory in Christ. 1 Peter‬ ‭5:10‬ says, “And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.” He restores us, makes us strong, firm, and steadfast because there is a real enemy who is out to steal, kill, and destroy.

The enemy has, for the past 4 years, tried to steal my voice, kill my faith in God, and destroy the ministry that the Lord called me to walk in. As I look back over my life, I am actually no stranger to this suffering.. And the good news is– neither was Jesus. My Savior.

My urge today is for you and I to learn from Peter. Surely you know the story.  I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty sure that walking on water is considered to be a big and miraculous thing. Defying gravity?! As he was walking on the water, headed straight for Jesus, he began to sink. For a split second, because of the wind and waves that surrounded him, he focused on his strength (or the lack of), and his incompetence. Although he had the courage to take the first small step of faith towards Jesus, and actually walked on the water for a bit, as soon as he began looking away from the Lord, fear took over, killed his faith, and as Jesus puts it, “made him doubt.” But I love what happened next.. just as He would have it, Jesus, the image and Son of God, reached down, JUST WHEN PETER NEEDED IT, and saved him. Peter saw the Lord’s faithful in the small steps on his way to the big miracle.

I am seeing the Lord’s faithful in the small steps on my way to the big miracle. But girls, I am realizing that we must stop focusing on our shortcomings and recognize what we are becoming. What are you reaching for? Who is in control? Are you allowing the Lord to handle the small in your life? What is the Lord asking you to step out in faith for? Have you made the first step of faith? Are your eyes, is your faith, focused on Jesus–or the wind and waves of life? Is it time to place God back on the throne of your heart? Are you seeking repentance and wise counsel? They may be two of the hardest things I have ever set out to do.. But they were both the most life changing and life saving. They were what ushered in the faithfulness, goodness, and glory of the Lord. He was waiting on me the entire time.

My family is one step closer to our miracle. Our world changer. Our Jesus loving, free spirit. Our chain breaking, Holy Ghost filled, God fearing, worshiper. Our bright light in this dark world. Our blonde haired, blue/green eyed, beautiful, strong, honest, loyal, caring…. BABY.

View the VLOG here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1MY0hSlv6M