I've never been very confident. I'm always the first to point out my own flaws and all the things I do poorly. I get it honest though. Insecurity is what I would consider a generational curse in my family--probably as a result of bad decisions and a lack of stable fathers. It was "nurtured" in me from a young age, and it had a hold on other aspects of my life as I grew up. How I saw myself is how I assumed others saw me, including God.

When you don't have a lot of confidence in yourself, you allow others to
diminish your worth. When you don't know who you are, you allow others to tell you. Growing up, I had this image of God that was very inaccurate, probably due, in part, to my father leaving. He left when I was 4 years old, and it left me feeling very unwanted and unworthy of love. I felt abandoned. I grew from a little girl into a young woman carrying that with me. As a teenager, it manifested itself in my relationships. My relationship with my family was very rocky for a while. Nothing they did made me feel loved. I was expecting them to fill a void that couldn't be filled. It caused a lot of arguments and hurt. As I got older, I found myself in toxic relationships with guys. I stayed in relationships that involved lying, cheating, and mental abuse because I didn't know my worth. One in
particular would do these awful things and then apologize and tell me he loved me. He also fueled the belief that I was unworthy of love. I can remember being told time and time again that no one would ever want me because of mistakes I had made, because of who I was. The sad thing is, this isn't uncommon.

I started going back to church in my late teens, and in my early twenties, I started relearning who God was. I didn't understand then what real love looked like. I knew God loved me, but I didn't know to what extent, and I definitely didn't know how it looked.
In 2010, I decided to go with friends to Lee University in Tennessee. I met awesome women there that helped me along my journey, that weren't afraid to be honest with me. I grew a lot during that time, but I still didn't trust that God loved me, and I was still allowing things to fill voids meant for God.
I don't think I was "running" from God, but I was scared of His love. I was scared to be vulnerable, because in my life, that meant getting hurt. When you open yourself up to someone, there's the possibility of pain.

God began to show me what I deserved. I can remember being in a relationship that wasn't necessarily toxic, but there were red flags. Younger Halie would've stayed and made excuses. But I knew at the time that wasn't what God wanted for me. I was miserable. I finally made the choice to trust God, to trust that
He loved me enough to lead me in the right direction.

In February of 2016, I ended that relationship and God laid the groundwork for me to meet my husband. He opened up doors that only He could, and I ended up back home. He used a job that was basically laid in my lap to get me back in Jesup. Unknown to me, He was also working in Garrett's life, ordering his
steps in a similar way. I met Garrett that summer at church, and eventually (after more of God's leading) we started dating and got married.

I'll be honest: it was VERY hard for me to accept the love I deserved. When you get used to accepting a certain type of "love" (the bad kind), the good kind seems foreign. It feels wrong. I've never met a more loving, caring, and selfless guy than Garrett. It took a lot for me to trust that someone could really love me, that I was worthy of that kind of love.
It was rough in the beginning because of the baggage I had carried for so long. Years of hurt is hard to fix overnight, but God gave me grace and He helped us through it. I can now see God's love through my husband. I couldn't ask for anything better, and yet it's still NOTHING in comparison to the love God has for us.

I mentioned before that insecurity has traveled through my family. When you allow God to heal you, He can change your circumstances. He can break generational curses. I believe that it's no mistake that God chose a daughter for me. I've made it my mission to make sure she knows just how loved she is by
God and her family. I strongly believe that God gave me a daughter to not only heal me, but to stop insecurity within my family. The enemy wants us to feel unworthy and unwanted because that prevents us from having the confidence to do the great things God has called us to do. Honestly, we are all unworthy of God's love, yet He makes us worthy.

He loved us so much that He sent His son to die on a cross.
God loves you and He is SO good. In a million lives you could never pick out a
better life for yourself than God could.

If you are like me, and you struggle to know how much you are loved, pick up your Bible. Ask God to show you. If you have trust issues like I did, ask God to reveal His love in little ways. He is a gentle Father. He will reveal Himself to you in the perfect timing that you need.
I can't tell you how many little prayers God answered that I didn't think He would. He cares about the things we care about. He proves over and over that He is FOR us, that He loves us unconditionally.

If you're in a toxic relationship and you want to talk, reach out. I would love to talk with you and remind you that God thinks you deserve the world.

GOSH GIRL, you are WANTED. You are LOVED. You are WORTHY.
XOXO - Halie